Wednesday, January 18, 2012

A funny thing happened on the way from the hand doctor

 I was supposed to go to the hand doctor, swing by work to turn in my forms, and go home.  But true to NachoMatic style-it can’t be that easy.
“Something familiar,
Something peculiar,
Something for everyone:
A comedy tonight!”
I knew I would be getting shots in my wrist, so I knew I needed to take it easy after the appointment.  On the way to my school to turn in the forms I thought, “hmmm-I wonder if I need gas? 
“Old situations,
New complications,
Nothing portentous or polite;
Tragedy tomorrow,
Comedy tonight!”

Just after I banished the thought from my head, the car started to sputter, I managed to coast into the parking lot, across the street from Walmart (score..points for me J)
“Something appealing,
Something appalling,
Something for everyone:
A comedy tonight!”

 Granted, I was in the ghetto, but I’m pretty scrappy, and I grew up with an older brother and 12 male cousins, this girl can fight!!  Lol, anyways, I parked in a doctor’s office—either way, I was covered! 
“Nothing with kings, nothing with crowns;
Bring on the lovers, liars and clowns!”

So, I ran across traffic, power walked to Walmart, bought a stupid gas can, got gas, ran back across the street.  So far-so good, I haven’t been robbed or killed!
“Something erratic,
Something dramatic,
Something for everyone:
A comedy tonight!”

I started pouring the gas and I thought, “hmm, maybe I should hold onto the spout a little—“then I witnessed the damn thing slide into the gas tank.  *SH!T*  It was like, I was leaping in slow-motion. 
“Something convulsive,
Something repulsive,
Something for everyone:
A comedy tonight!”
Damn, I (almost) got away with it too!  You see, the first time, I ran out of gas driving my husband’s car (back in November) and I had to call for help, it was a big to-do on our block.  After being saved, I was lectured about the dangers of running out of gas. Blah, blah-blah, yada, yada, yada.  I promised I would be more careful in the future.  As I am standing in the doctor’s office parking lot, staring in utter disbelief, It crossed my mind to pretend like it didn’t happened, but then how would I explain the gas can without a spout? Even if I could explain away the gas can, or mix it in with the other hundred gas cans he has laying around the garage.  When he drops the gas tank in order to put the float in it, b/c the gas gauge on his 1964 old car doesn’t work, he would have unknowingly come across an innocent gas spout—it would be like a re-enactment of the “I love Lucy Show,” where she dresses up like superman and gets stuck on the ledge and Ricky yells at her.  Yup, it would have been like that only I dropped the gas can spout in the gas tank. 
“Nothing that's formal,
Nothing that's normal,
No recitations to recite;
Open up the curtain:
Comedy Tonight!”

So, I called my gas-obsessed husband:
Me: “Hi, baby, um, I have a hypothetical question for you.”  Say for example someone ran out of gas, but got gas, but in putting gas in the tank…..they um…dropped the um…spout in the tank? Would that be a baaaad thing? {maybe by mentioning gas a lot in the sentence he won’t notice that I ran out of gas}
Husband: Blah, blah-blah, yada, yada, yada…….. {hmm, I don’t know what he’s saying b/c I am ignoring it, BUT I suppose by his tone-he picked up on the fact I ran out of gas-and he realizes that this is no longer a hypothetical situation, I really need to change my opening line to situations like this, I am beginning to think he doesn’t believe me anymore.} “I told you to get gas!” {yup, he picked up on that part}
Me: “I was going to the gas store {maybe} hence my close proximity to the gas store” {purely a lucky coincidence-but it sounded nice}
Husband: More yelling (though he calls it lecturing) which I tuned out.
Me:  “My question is…. can I drive to school, then to the house without getting blown up?”
Husband: *very heavy sigh* “It’s gonna be a pain in the ass for me to fish out that spout!”
Me: unable to control my snickering….”hahahahhahaha”
Husband: “it’s not funny…….”{why is it that this crap always happens to me? I mean, I didn’t MEAN for it to happen?  I wonder if my opening line was, honey I am okay but?  Would have worked better?} …..I have so much to do around the house…” {probably not, maybe, “I know you’re going to be mad, but I was putting gas in the car and a flock of eagles tried to attack me and in doing so I dropped the spout?} ….dropping that gas tank to fix that gas gauge that you obviously don’t use, ya know, you damn near drove the truck outta gas this weekend.  I told you to….{nope that wouldn’t work b/c it still has me running out of gas.  Maybe I could say…..I saw some thieves siphoning the gas out of the car, and when I tried to put more gas in, I dropped the spout}….”are you listening to me?”
Me: “baby, I lied to you-I didn’t want you to worry, but I actually saw some thieves siphoning the gas”
Husband: “Uh-huh, how do you explain the spout?” 
Me: “I went to get gas, ya know, to replace what was stolen, and umm…a flock of eagles came to attack me and I…dropped it.  I am so-sorry, I just didn’t want you to worry about me being around thieves”
Husband: “Kristin…” {crap, he’s laughing, why is he laughing?} “….eagles don’t travel in flocks they travel in mating pairs.” {damn, stupid eagles and their stupid mating pairs….I need to watch more science/nature shows} “though if a flock of eagles came to attack me, that would be damn scary!”
Me: {I can save this-I can save this!!} “I know-hence me dropping the spout!” {good one-good one}
Husband: “Nice try” {damn, stupid eagles}
Me: “So can I drive home and NOT explode?”

Nothing with gods, nothing with fate;
Weighty affairs will just have to wait!
Something erratic,
Something dramatic,
Something for everyone:
A comedy tonight!

Frenzy and frolic,
Strictly symbolic,
Something for everyone:
A comedy tonight!
A few innocent hours later, I decided to clean the kitchen and do some laundry (which I rarely do, I’m hoping for bonus points-b/c I am working with 1 lame hand after all due to my numbing shots).  I crank up the stereo surround sound, start screaming singing along with my favorite song and I notice sweet-innocent Nacho laying on the cushion of the chaise lounge.  I lean over the lounge on one leg, screaming singing.  She is clearly telling me “I love you so much” “go to hell” with her eyes.  It was a magic moment, really.
BOOM-BANG-POP!!  Nacho leaps onto the floor, and I react by jumping backwards, barely escaping with my life from the attack of the giant surround-sound speaker falling from its nest by the ceiling. {are you freaking kidding me?  I gotta make another phone call to the husband?  Wait?  This is clearly NOT my fault.  But, oh man it’s something else for him to fix, damn my shelves are NEVER gonna get done} 
Later the husband says, “You’re being a bit over-dramatic about the speaker, Nacho it would have killed, but you?  It wouldn’t have hit you any harder than when you bruised your forehead on the bathroom faucet-while brushing your teeth” {so much for bonus points}
“Something familiar,
Something peculiar,
Something for everybody:
Comedy tonight!
Something that's gaudy,
Something that's bawdy—“

*lyrics are from the opening number of; “A funny thing happened on the way to the forum” (song is not in order) I felt it was appropriate to my situation. HA!

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