Thursday, January 14, 2010
Corner of love and hate
1) i love how you make me feel
2) i hate the way you make me feel
3) you hurt my lungs & fill my stomach with air (b/c i can't breath b/c i have poor lung function)
4) you make me push myself
5) i look forward to you everyday
6) then, when i am standing on the tread mill, i loath you
7) i love having a reason for being so tired
8) you make me tired in ways i can not begin to describe. my lungs hurt. taking a deep breath makes me dizzy. but taking quick shallow breaths make me light-headed.
9) when i am running i dream of running a half marathon.
10) i love how my mind just wonders, then it finds something that annoyed me and with every step i take i pound that annoyance into the ground.
11) i love it when sweat drops off my brow.
12) i hate how i am so beat when i get home, i barely eat, and can barely move. even talking gets me winded!
13) when i walk away from the tread mill i feel so accomplished and so proud of myself
monday, i go to the hospital and take 3 scary lung tests. and what keeps me going...what keeps me running? fear. fear of having another surgery. i move my feet in the hope that it will increase my lung capacity. so the exhaustion, in ability to talk or yell at my cats, might all be worth it.